3 Types of Relationship Arguments and the Needs Behind Them
Ever wonder why in relationships we get stuck in the same types of fights and arguments? You’re not alone. Whether we’re dating, engaged, married, in a committed partnership, or long-term relationship, having the same argument repeatedly gets old. Dr. Howard J. Markman is known for teaching that couples often argue about the following 3 types of fights: power & control, care & closeness, and respect & recognition. Let’s explore these three dynamics in detail.
Power & Control
All humans need to be acknowledged, listened to for understanding, and empathized with through touch or presence. We also need a sense of agency and autonomy to make decisions about ourselves.
We want the opportunity to decide what we will eat, wear, do in our spare time, who we date, where we hang out, if we practice a religion or not, and what we will live for.
Naturally, in relationships, we are balancing getting our needs met and meeting those of our partner/spouse. So, at times, we go with the flow and in others we make specific requests; sometimes we’re open to influence and sometimes we’re set in our ways.
This is natural, healthy, and to be expected in our relationships. Being flexible can help us adapt to various settings and situations. It’s through trial and error that we adjust, have life defining experiences, and learn more about ourselves and others.
THE CHALLENGES
There are times, however, in which we are not willing to respect or honor our partner’s or spouse’s decisions. We do not agree with their freedom to choose, to explore, or to engage in “trial and error.” We believe that we know better, and we have a “magical” final word over their life and our relationship.
So, we comment on their career choices, or how nice they are being to someone of the gender they’re attracted to, or we guilt-trip them for choosing to spend time with their family over us.
Sometimes the script is flipped, and it’s our partner or spouse who believes we lack a skill or knowledge or whatever it may be. They think we need to be held accountable, to be taught a lesson, to be “fixed”, or to be made “whole.” Being on the receiving end of those comments can be frustrating.
While there are times in which we all need to be challenged for our personal and relational growth, there are many times in which our preferences seek to trump our partner’s or spouse’s rights.
We take a day off from work to rest but they can’t take a day off to go fishing or catch a ballgame. We buy new items to customize our car, but they can’t go shopping for a new outfit or accessories.
We create a double standard in the name of “responsibilities” and while that may be the case, often how we go about stating our requests, discomforts, and disagreements ends up hurting us more and distracting our partner from our intended message.
TIP: Our requests must be intertwined with honesty and tact along with the recognition that our significant other still has the final word over their life.
WE HAVE A CHOICE
Our response to our partner’s or spouse’s decisions is to (1) own our wants/needs by being clear on your own desires, (2) acknowledge their right to choose their wants/needs (we are allowed to have differences), and (3) collaborate to create shared agreements based on the understanding of our mutual wants/needs.
This mindset creates space for asking questions such as:
What do we each hope to gain from this situation?
Who is primarily affected by this decision?
How do we pursue these priorities?
Does this require an individual, couple, or a group response?
A team approach that acknowledges and respects our individual autonomy propels couples to discuss whether situations will need to be managed as a team or if we need to empower an individual to pursue a course of action.
Care & Closeness
Individuals need to be closely known by others, which means that those who we care about know our worries, joys, dreams, fears, etc. Human beings in relationships also reciprocate this attention by getting to know their wants, wishes, and desires.
Every person also needs to belong with others by sharing common experiences, interests, and lifestyles. In romantic relationships there are times in which we give of ourselves beyond our level of comfort; in other times, our partner or spouse goes the extra mile for us.
This back and forth of being there for each other helps to answer questions of:
Can I trust you to be there for me in the thick and thin?
Do you really have my back against the world?
Are your choices with my best interest in mind?
If I open my heart to you, will you care for it and protect it?
While those questions are great to ask ourselves as we are forming relationships with others if we overuse them there’s another potential consequence.
OUR TENDENCIES
We seem to place most, if not all, of our needs for care and closeness into one person. We expect them to be available anytime we want to throw a fit, or celebrate a success, or rant about traffic, or come up with a new business, or feel sad and rejected after not being promoted at work, etc.
These topics are super important and must be shared with people (key word: people).
When we place such a high expectation on our partner to always be emotionally and physically available for us, we also set them up to fail. We either come across as needy/whiny or angry/volatile. In reality, no human is capable of singlehandedly meeting the needs of another person. We are wired for community!
TIP: Check out Esther Perel’s book Mating in Captivity for more on the topic of healthy expectations in relationships along with keeping the passion alive.
MAKING HEALTHY CONNECTIONS
We must find healthy ways to care for our needs of care, closeness, and belonging. Our romantic partner can be a great source of most of this, but we still need trusted friends, colleagues, neighbors, family members, and various professionals to:
call out the good in us
benefit from our talents and skills
to have mutual support
make this world a better place
There are hundreds of opportunities to receive mutual care through volunteering with organizations in most interest areas and hobbies:
mentorship, animal care, serving meals, building homes
raising funds for wells, the Special Olympics
protecting the environment, politics
Begin to release your partner and yourself from all the unachievable expectations and you may find yourself creating a renewed space for authentic love, care, and closeness.
Respect & Recognition
Another important emotional need is having a sense of status. This means that we are valued, respected, and appreciated for who we are (our existence) and our contributions (ideas, efforts, actions) are recognized and celebrated.
Children remind us of this truth as they seek attention, validation, and recognition for running fast, building a structure with LEGO, or simply making a funny sound.
We long for people to praise us and our efforts, to encourage us and believe in us, and to make space for our ideas, fantasies, and ramblings without judgment.
We also have the emotional need to make a difference in the lives of others. When channeled correctly, this desire helps us respect others, believe in them, recognize their existence, celebrate their efforts, and so much more.
We choose to parent, to mentor, to volunteer, to teach, to coach, to guide, or to heal others. It is how we give back and connect with each other.
EMOTIONALLY IMMATURE PARENTS
Unfortunately, many of us were raised by emotionally immature parents who did not guide us correctly in how to identify and meet our emotional needs. They either dismissed our feelings or did not set time aside to model skills, such as:
how to deal with fear or sadness
how to relax when we are very excited or anxious
how to manage guilt, shame, and jealousy
Some of our parents made the issues about themselves, as if they were the victim in each situation, and we needed to adopt a role of a “parent” or “caretaker” to meet their needs. Unfortunately, these circumstances did not provide us with the tools or practice needed to grow into healthy teens and adults.
And who gets the brunt of this lack of emotion management or maturity? You guessed it… our partner or spouse.
TIP: Interested in learning more about becoming a healthy emotional adult? Read Lindsay C. Gordon’s book series on Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.
OUR FEARS & DOUBTS
We may find ourselves asking questions such as:
Do I truly matter to my partner?
Are they seeing all the hard work I am putting into making this happen?
What do they think about my intellect and ability to solve problems?
Are they aware of how my culture or religion play a role in my decisions?
Do they value the sacrifices I’ve made for our marriage?
These are healthy and often necessary questions to ask ourselves and our partners; we all need validation.
What happens, however, if the answers aren’t enough or not what we are looking for? What do we do? Why do we find ourselves constantly asking for feedback, wanting recognition, or asking others to show “a little respect here”?
Again, some of the reasons may be linked to our first significant wounds in life, to our upbringing, and to our past relationships (acquaintances, family, friendships).
OUR WORK AHEAD
It will require some self-examination, more healthy relationships, better education, and a willingness to grow so we can unpack, heal, and mature from these difficult experiences.
Our romantic relationships create a perfect place to grow in these areas and often we need help from mental health professionals, coaches, or spiritual guides to experience breakthroughs.
Conclusion
As we wrap up this post, pay attention to what Daniel B. Wile, Ph.D. wrote,
“Couples often become entrenched in their counterproductive patterns, but they may also develop a relationship wisdom that may enable them to escape these patterns.”[1]
There is hope!
In future posts, I will expand on each of these 3 types of relationship dynamics (power & control, care & closeness, respect & recognition) discussed and offer relational skills to reconnect with your partner or spouse.
I applaud you for reading this blog as you are giving yourself an opportunity to continue growing and becoming a healthier version of you!
References & Additional Resources
Wile, D. B. (2008). After the honeymoon: How conflict can improve your relationship. Collaborative Couple Therapy Books.
