Lessons from Love & Marriage: Detroit

When it comes to relationships, you can't fake it till you make it. Two people might be good for each other on paper, with careers, personalities, and lifestyles that complement each other. But even with all the variables going right, it doesn't guarantee a healthy relationship.

Internal factors, like our gut feeling and the need to trust our partner, need to be considered. The challenge is that we struggle to recognize these important cues.

To make matters more challenging, we mostly hear about relationships gone wrong in the news and social media. While there are occasional stories of new celebrity couples like Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce or proposals during televised sporting events, most of what we hear involves divorce, cheating scandals, stalking, jealousy, and all sorts of drama.

In this blog, I will use the experiences of three couples from the reality show Love & Marriage: Detroit, on the Oprah Winfrey Network, to offer you valuable relationship lessons we can gain from their struggles. Let's examine each couple through the lens of marriage therapy.

Kristina & Brandon

Strengths

This couple is passionate about life, their careers, and their individual needs and desires. They've been married for over 11 years and have attended marriage counseling to strengthen their relationship. They have their fair share of fights but are willing to admit their weaknesses and make up. They also know how to apologize for their mistakes. Their fiery energy can be used to spark a powerful trajectory for their relationship if channeled correctly.

Challenges & Lessons

Brandon expressed at times feeling underappreciated and being controlled by Kristina. He complained about not being trusted or nurtured by her. Kristina, in turn, pointed to Brandon crossing the line with another woman as a source of her distrust. It's worth noting that Brandon didn't call his intimate conversations with this other woman as having an emotional affair.

This is an important reminder that we must take time to understand each person's perceptions, even if we disagree Learn more here. Without a common language and understanding, it's difficult to make any progress. This will also provide Kristina with opportunities to share what it means to have lost trust in her husband.

Kristina made it clear that their marriage lacked quality time. Her frequent mentions tell us that her marriage matters to her and therefore, Brandon matters to her. This is an area where they both agree, "we miss each other."

Discussing these feelings, identifying barriers to connect, and finding new ways to bond can help them reconnect again and enjoy each other.

Kolby & Russell

Strengths

This young and ambitious couple is eager to grow as a couple and business entrepreneurs. They've shown clearly defined marital roles and the challenges they face. They find ways to connect, support each other's careers, and consistently look out for each other. Their success hinges on their ability to communicate effectively and negotiate their ongoing dreams and needs.

Challenges & Lessons

Kolby was clear with Russell about her difficult experiences growing up as a pastor's kid. She mentioned not wanting to become a pastor's wife, and what does Russell do? He enrolls in Divinity School! Making matters more interesting, Russell shared he was unsure about how to reveal this news because of her potential reaction.

We can see how:

• Past hurts can play a role in our current relationships and what we value

• Individual and relationship goals both need their own space in our relationship

Addressing Kolby's concern, it's important for spouses to pay close attention to the painful experiences that each other shares. Doing so shows empathy, provides ideas for how to show up for them, and helps us build trust.

Moving onto Russell's concerns, we've all had those conversations we dread having. It's not always for a lack of being truthful but more related to the amount of energy it takes to work through the difficult emotions and realities that will come up.

What are we to do when our interests don't align? John Gottman, PhD. suggest that we have an open dialogue about our unrevealed dreams, personal history, and values on our position on the issue. We're looking to manage rather than solve this issue. Learn how to navigate relationship issues that are gridlocked here.

LaToya & Anthony

Strengths

This couple has been married for over 14 years and have faced a lot of internal and external stressors that have strengthened their bond. They've achieved success in their individual careers and are working on being successful as a couple. Their relationship's health will be impacted by how well they're able to elevate each other.

Challenges & Lessons

After walking away from a dream job to be with his family, Anthony told LaToya that he wanted her to "have my back for a change". It was a passionate plea for support, acknowledgement, and validation - fundamental emotional needs that we all have and should share with our spouses.

However, their marriage was affected by him working out of state during the pandemic. Making matters worse, their children were experiencing racism at school. Anthony not being physically present to help his family meant more pressure was put on LaToya. "Having his back" meant the family had to navigate challenging situations with one member missing, which was no easy task.

Additionally, we discovered that LaToya has a thriving career in the medical field and is expanding her luxury wine company. However, Anthony repeatedly emphasized his financial support as a way of saying, "I support you 100%, but you haven't fully supported me."

While his feelings were valid, these double-edged comments don't contribute to healthy relationships. It's like building a castle with one hand while destroying it with the other. To foster a healthy relationship, it's best to analyze our intentions and act from a place of genuine value and support.

For example:

• "I invest in your company because you matter to me, and I want what's best for you".

• "I support your business endeavors because we're a team; I've got your back".

Similarly, we can express our needs without making it a tit-for-tat condition. For instance:

• "It feels good to know that I can count on you; please keep doing that".

• "I truly appreciate it when you have my back, and this is one of those moments when I need it most".

Takeaways

Here are some key points I hope you can apply today:

1. Perception Matters: Understand and respect each other's perspectives, even when you disagree; it's essential for progress.

2. Past Hurts and Goals: Address past issues and personal goals; they impact your relationship dynamic.

3. Voice Emotional Needs: Express your emotional needs, seek support, and acknowledge each other for a successful relationship.

4. Value and Teamwork: Act from a place of value and teamwork; support each other's endeavors without conditions for a healthier relationship.

If you need more support, check out my series on 3 Types of Relationship Arguments and the Needs Behind Them.

Credits

1. Love & Marriage: Detroit by executive producer Carlos King on the Oprah Winfrey Network

2. Photo by Mohtashim Mahin