The Art of the Apology

One day, I found myself at a traffic light, waiting to cross a major intersection. When the light turned green, I started driving forward, only to notice a car on my left merging into my lane. Running out of space, I felt agitated and wondered why this car was invading my lane. In my frustration, I looked at the driver, yelled, and made faces to convey my disapproval. As I passed him I recalled seeing his peaceful face staring back at me.

Moments later, as I calmed down, I realized that I had gone straight from a turn only lane. He was in the correct lane and knew he was right all along. Reality hit me and I couldn't shake the embarrassment of knowing I hadn't acted according to the best version of myself. Unfortunately, I didn't have the chance to apologize as we were both on our way. That memory lingers because, at that moment, I believed I was right, and my actions reflected that belief.

In situations where we feel wronged, we often assert ourselves without fully understanding the perspective of others. We fail to pause and reflect on our own thoughts, feelings, and motives, sometimes at the expense of hurting others. Yet, it's interesting how our perception can shift once we are removed from the triggering event or difficult situation. It allows us to reassess our actions and recognize that others' rights and desires matter as well.

While I didn't have the opportunity to find the other driver and apologize, many couples have this golden opportunity to make things right now. It's easy to dismiss the importance of apologizing, especially when we feel wronged or unseen. The reality is that apologies can undo the pain we have caused, whether purposefully or not.

This blog aims to explore the reasons why we hesitate to apologize and provide steps for making amends in a relationship. As we delve into the steps for apologizing, we'll also explore the languages of apology.

Why We Don't Apologize

1. Fear of Vulnerability:

Some partners may avoid apologizing due to a fear of being vulnerable or appearing "weak." Apologizing involves acknowledging mistakes and shortcomings, which can make people feel exposed. The fear of being judged or rejected may prevent spouses from offering a sincere apology. Sometimes people also fear the consequences of apologizing or showing vulnerability.

2. Pride & Ego:

Then there's pride and ego which can be significant barriers to apologizing. Some people may prioritize their self-image over acknowledging their faults and perhaps grew up around people who barely took responsibility. Admitting wrongdoing can be perceived as a blow to one's pride, making it difficult for some people to say sorry, even when it is needed.

3. Misunderstanding Apology:

Some spouses may not apologize because they misunderstand the nature and purpose of an apology. They may view apologizing as an admission of guilt or a sin or a sign of weakness. Some partners fear that if they admit wrongdoing for a particular reason, their partner will be justified in all the previous conflicts where they didn't see eye to eye.

4. Lack of Awareness:

Sometimes, people may not realize the extent of the hurt caused or may be unaware that an apology is needed. This is not an excuse but it's worth noting. A lack of self-awareness or an understanding of the other person's feelings can lead to a failure to recognize when an apology is warranted, resulting in a failure to express remorse.

Making Amends

It's crucial to pause and reflect on our actions, considering what may be causing strain in our relationship or impacting our partner negatively. Equally important is recognizing if we ourselves are feeling hurt. Prioritizing self-care becomes a crucial step in understanding what aspects we should take responsibility for. By being accountable to ourselves initially, we can approach our partner, listen to their perspective, and apologize for our role in the issue. Failing to do so might lead us back into a conflict, armed and ready for battle.

Check out the following tips:

1. Be Sincere & Genuine:

When offering an apology in a relationship, sincerity is key. Clearly express your remorse and avoid insincere or half-hearted apologies. Acknowledge the specific actions or words that caused hurt, and convey genuine regret. If you're unsure, ask about the things that hurt your partner. A sincere apology demonstrates your commitment to repairing the relationship and rebuilding trust.

2. Take Responsibility & Avoid Excuses:

Accept accountability for your actions without deflecting blame or making excuses. This only makes your spouse more irritable and could be a form of gaslighting. Owning up to your mistakes shows maturity and a willingness to learn from the experience. Instead of saying, "I'm sorry you feel that way," take responsibility by saying, "I'm sorry for what I did [describe your behavior], and I understand how it hurt you."

3. Offer Amends & Learn from the Experience:

In addition to expressing regret, outline how you plan to make amends or prevent a similar situation in the future. If your partner is willing to accept your influence, give them feedback on an area they can also change in the future when dealing with this same situation. Some examples are:

• "If you notice that I am not paying attention, please pause and make me aware."

• "When you don't feel heard or understood, let me know so I can practice getting it right in the moment."

Actions often speak louder than words, so demonstrate your commitment to change through positive behavior. Use the experience as an opportunity for personal growth and learning, emphasizing your dedication to building a healthier relationship. You will then provide your partner with opportunities to do the same.

Going Deeper

Author Dr. Gary Chapman, who's best known for his book The 5 Love Languages, also co-authored a book with Jennifer Thomas titled "When Sorry Isn't Enough". Together they expand on the 5 primary apology languages and here they are:

1. Expressing Regret:

Some individuals prefer to hear a straightforward apology that expresses remorse and acknowledges the hurt caused. Using phrases like "I'm sorry," "I take responsibility," "I apologize," or "I was wrong" is crucial for these partners.

2. Accepting Responsibility:

People with this apology language appreciate when the partner taking responsibility for the wrongdoing acknowledges and owns up to their actions without making excuses or shifting blame. Some examples include, "What I did was not your fault but my choice," "I acknowledge that I crossed the line," or "I agree that I wasn't paying attention to you."

3. Making Restitution:

This language involves making amends for the hurt caused since actions often speak louder than words for these spouses. They appreciate efforts to rectify the situation or compensate for the damage. Statements like these are helpful: "I plan to go to therapy to address my anger issues," "I will speak with our kid's teacher and apologize for dismissing him," or "I will honor your requests and ask for consent before sharing your stories with others."

4. Genuinely Repenting:

Some individuals want assurance that the person apologizing is committed to changing their behavior. This involves demonstrating a sincere intention not to repeat the same mistake. Here are some examples: "I will review the budget before making large purchases," "I plan on sitting down with your mother and resolving things," or "I will search for a couple's therapist so we can address my gambling issues."

5. Requesting Forgiveness:

For the spouse preferring this language, a direct request for forgiveness is essential. It's about explicitly asking for the hurt partner's pardon. Here are a few examples: "Please forgive me for losing my temper," "I beg your forgiveness for not attending your family member's funeral," or "I want you to forgive me for ignoring you for days."

TIP: Want more tips? Here's a great article.

Final Words

As we wrap things up, I shared that people often don't apologize due to fear of looking weak, pride issues, or misunderstand what an apology really means. But forgiveness is something we all need from time to time and it's best when we take responsibility for our actions and apologize.

Then we can think of forgiveness in relationships as a secret sauce that makes things better. While we still have to mend things, it gives the individual receiving it the opportunity to do that important work.

TIP: Here's a helpful article on improving your relationship.

Call to Action

Let's persist in prioritizing the health of our relationships, marriages, and families by bravely offering apologies and embracing vulnerability. Dare to acknowledge mistakes, even if it feels uncomfortable, and understand each partner's preferred way of receiving apologies. Ready, set, apologize!