How Power and Control grips your relationship and How to Break Free
Did you read the title? That’s a bold claim, right? But it should be! As we will discuss, power and control dynamics in relationships can really destroy what was once build on a beautiful foundation of care, understanding, and friendship. It happens more often than you think. Let me give you an example:
When we watch the start of any relationship or dating show, we find a couple going through blissful moments of connection as they laugh, are playful, and ask each other surface level and deep questions. We notice their chemistry, strengths, potential pitfalls, and even the sexual tension between them. It is easy to get caught up in their process and even develop strong opinions about their relationship such as: “they’re moving too fast”, “those two are moving too slow”, “why are they self-sabotaging?”.
Sooner or later, the show decides to give us glimpses of their struggles as they begin to disagree on any number of topics. We now see emotions, behaviors, and words displayed that were not present in those early pleasant interactions. As a matter of fact, show producers already prime the trailers with scenes of these fights. They know it sells, that we are drawn by them, and that it taps into our humanity.
In a previous blog, I discussed the topic of 3 types of relationship arguments and the needs behind them. The focus of this blog is to expand on the power & control dynamics present in relationships. I will also provide coping skills for couples to apply in their relationships.
Power & Control Dynamics
It’s what nations seek over one another, what races cling to over each other, what people aren’t willing to let go of in the marketplace, in government, and in their homes. There’s something to be said about that mysterious feeling of having dominance over a pet, a vehicle, an inanimate object (a gun/a ball/clay), or even a human.
It’s not easily obtained and it’s even harder to lose once we have established behavior practices that favor us and neglect others. Power and control tactics can be used for good or evil, for health or destruction, for unity or alienation.
ACKNOWLEDGING DIFFERENCES
Power and control are dynamics that we must acknowledge in our romantic relationships. The world we live in has favored men over women, ability over disability, lighter skins over darker skins, and heterosexuality over different expressions of sexual identity.
We are all affected differently by these gaps of inequality. The way in which our societies apply rules and social norms affects how we see ourselves, interpret the behaviors of others, and even describe who the “other” is.
These written and unwritten rules of behaviors require a much deeper conversation that I will not address here. You can, however, learn more about the effects of stereotypes from a great article by the Government of Québec. [1]
We like to think that love conquers all, especially with our partners, but that’s not the case. Although love can overcome and overlook many shortcomings in people, power and control dynamics are still fully present inside romantic relationships.
POINTS OF CONFLICT
Here are some real-life examples that I’ve heard in therapy sessions over the many years I’ve been working as a couples therapist:
A husband gives himself permission to buy appliances for the house or cars for his wife without consulting her
A woman gives herself permission to spend money on clothes, makeup, and accessories without contributing to the household’s savings account
A man gives himself permission to go on fishing expeditions, go to a sporting event, or take a guys’ trip without considering the needs of his partner or their children back home
A woman gives herself permission to be passive-aggressive with her words and actions because her partner has not proposed yet
… and these are a few examples of how power and control can show up.
Other common areas where power and control dynamics show up include:
Finances: budgeting, saving, free spending, helping others
Sex: who initiates, who reciprocates, frequency and quality, pornography
Household chores: paying bills, yard care, laundry, meal planning, groceries
Child-rearing: discipline (strict, firm, consistent), type of education, after-school activities
Religion: do we practice or not, do we attend religious communities or not, do we raise our children in a religion or let them choose
What can we do about these power and control dynamics? It can take significant work to change these, even if both partners are willing. Let’s explore some relational coping skills ahead.
GROWING FROM OUR DIFFERENCES
“A great marriage is not when the 'perfect couple' comes together. It is when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences.” - Dave Meurer
We can begin by acknowledging any power and control tendencies that you may want to exert over your partner. This will help you switch your focus from forcing your will to presenting it. Your hopes and desires matter so share them from a place that invites your partner in.
Secondly, acknowledge any power and control stressors that are present in the relationship, both internal and external.
Some examples of internal stressors:
Does the partner making the most money feel empowered to have the final word over financial decisions?
Does the spouse with a busier work schedule expect or demand the other to do more in the home?
Is there a struggle for who is right, who is smarter, who has their life more “put together”?
Some examples of external stressors:
Does society approve our type of relationship or fight it?
Does religion approve our relationship arrangement or discourage it?
Are family members or friends imposing their will on us?
Having honest conversations with your partner or spouse about these internal and external stressors can help bring you closer, to reconnect. Why? Because you no longer carry the weight of your pain and discomfort alone.
TIP: The key to making honest conversations work is to also accept responsibility for the parts of the problem that you own.
If shared with tact and care (instead of blame and criticism), our feelings, dreams, unmet expectations, and disappointments can provide a space for both parties to create a stronger set of behaviors or rituals to mutually care for one another.
RELATIONAL COPING SKILLS
The Gottman Institute created a communication tool called softened startup in which the partner introducing a complaint focuses on (a) sharing their feelings, (b) describing the situation, and (c) sharing their want. This is different from a criticism in that the focus is on the speaker’s internal experience and their desire for the relationship.
In contrast, a criticism focuses on the flaws of our spouse, and we make them the problem: “You don’t care about us.” “You always play the victim.” “You never set time aside for me.” This type of conversation makes our spouse feel defensive. Not only is it rarely well-received, but our partner will often strike back.
Here’s a sample conversation using softened startup (Gottman Institute):
Spouse 1: “I feel stressed and lonely when we don’t take time to relax together for 2 straight weeks. I would like for us to look schedule time aside to prioritize us and hang out.”
Spouse 2: “I had no idea you were feeling that way. It’s not my fault though, you have also been busy, and you said ‘no’ to watching a show with me last night.”
Spouse 1: “I am not putting this all on you. Plus, watching your favorite show is not always relaxing for me. What I want is to be able to enjoy you and I do admit that we missed an opportunity to connect last night.”
Spouse 2: “I guess, but we’re always so busy that sometimes it’s hard for me us plan and scheduling ‘chill time’ seems too structured for me. Can we just be more spontaneous and set time aside in the moment when we feel like it?”
Spouse 1: “We could do that, but we never seem to do it consistently. How about we always plan on being together on Sunday by 5pm in case we haven’t spent time during the week?”
Spouse 2: “I’m not sure that we will every week because of life, but we can try as many Sundays as possible. How about we start now?”
Conversations may not flow this way each time, but they are possible when we intentionally share our needs. By using softened startup, we avoid trigger words and instead we share our desire to work as a team in tackling an issue.
TIP: For communication and conflict resolution to work effectively, we must focus on one topic at a time.
ADDRESSING CONFLICT AS A TEAM
In their book, Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life, [2] Drs. Henry Cloud & John Townsend invite couples to have regular check-ins with each other by asking the Hard Q’s:
How do you feel about us?
What am I doing that hurts or bothers you?
If we learn to regularly ask questions such as these and answer them honestly, our relationship can gain many benefits including:
Loving our partners more effectively
Making decisions that honor our individual and collective values
Strengthening our relationship’s ability to withstand stressors
Our individual opportunities to mature as we sharpen important relational skills such as tolerance, collaboration, patience, and compromise
These skills described above also work in relationships with friends, family members, coworkers, and acquaintances.
FINAL WORDS
“I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you. I love you not only for what you have made of yourself, but for what you are making of me. I love you for the part of me that you bring out.” – Elizabeth Barrett Browning
These inspiring words demonstrate the power of love and how two people can be influenced by one another. It takes time to grow closer to another person, intentionality, and plenty of maturity. Managing the dynamics of care and closeness will be the focus of my next blog.
I hope this blog gave you an opportunity to reflect on different ways to move from a power and control dynamic into a collaborative space with your partner or spouse. The quality of our lives greatly depends on our ability to thrive in relationships with others. Let’s make every effort to improve each day!
References
Cloud H. & Townsend J. S. (1992). Boundaries: when to say yes when to say no to take control of your life. Zondervan Pub. House.
Photo by Vera Arsic
