How to Measure Your Relationship Health: Part 1
The Friendship Levels
What makes relationships healthy vs. unhealthy is not as simple as it looks. We've all been shocked by a couple who breaks up or gets divorced after what seemed like a model union. Could it be that the people in these relationships lacked commitment or true love? It's not that easy or we would have found the recipe by now.
However, the Gottman Institute and their 50+ years of research is as close as it gets. John Gottman and colleagues set out to find what makes relationships healthy, which dynamics help them thrive, what makes a relationship unhealthy, and what are the predictors of divorce/separation.
This blog will specifically use their "The Sound Relationship House Theory," built on nine principles crucial for maintaining a healthy relationship. The first part of this two-part series will concentrate on the initial four principles: the Friendship Levels.
Build Love Maps
Starting at the bottom level is "Build Love Maps," emphasizing the importance of understanding our partner well. We need to ask them questions during regular conversations about what upsets them, what makes them happy, what are their sexual turn-ons and turn-offs, life’s interests, and more. Try asking these questions to get you started:
Personal Preferences:
What are your favorite places to visit?
What type of jewelry do you like?
How's life going?
Work and Career:
How's work going?
What are your career aspirations or goals?
What are some aspects of your job that you find fulfilling?
Memories and Childhood:
What are some of your best childhood memories?
What family traditions or rituals from your childhood do you cherish?
Is there a specific moment from your past that shaped who you are today?
Parenting and Family:
How do you feel our parenting is going?
What values do you want to instill in our children?
In what ways do you think we can improve as parents?
Relationship Dynamics:
What are some things I do that bother you?
What are some things you appreciate or enjoy in our relationship?
What can we both do to strengthen our connection and communication?
Inspirations and Values:
Who is someone you look up to?
What values or principles are important to you in life?
How can we align our individual values to enhance our relationship?
It's crucial to keep getting to know our partner because as we evolve and grow, so do our identities. We want to interact with each other based on who we are in the present, to help each other navigate life's complexities, and dare to explore new things. Couples often overlook the importance of staying curious and asking each other questions. I understand—we're trying to save energy and may not see immediate benefits in asking the same questions repeatedly. Nevertheless, staying informed about each other remains essential in our relationship.
“Know one another's world”
Image by Bruno
Share Fondness and Admiration
Once we get started on "Building Love Maps", our next goal is to "Share Fondness and Admiration." This means to create an atmosphere where there's mutual respect and admiration. There's a lot to be said about a world in which we get so few compliments. As children, there are many opportunities for compliments (your art, hair, ability to sing, for turning in assignments, etc.) But as we grow older, these become more scarce.
So, we want to call out what's good in each other and here are some examples:
"Your consistency in going to work is something I truly appreciate."
"Thank you for being there for me after a tough day."
"I deeply respect how you interact with children."
"I truly admire your relationship with your parents."
"Despite the challenges at work, you keep showing up – that's impressive."
"Sharing Fondness and Admiration" not only involves complimenting your partner on what they do well but also affirming who they are. This means recognizing the qualities that define who they are at their core, such as:
"You are such a caring person."
"I see how patient you are."
"You are wonderful to be around."
"I admire your authenticity."
Compliments like this can strengthen your relationship's emotional connection and contribute to a healthier and more fulfilling bond. The Gottman Institute suggests 5 compliments for each complaint shared. "Sharing Fondness and Admiration" helps our conversations and truths land more effectively with our partners.
TIP: Discover the importance of respect and recognition in relationships here.
Turn Towards Instead of Away
After working on the previous two levels, it's important to "Turn Towards Instead of Away." This level emphasizes that our partners seek attention daily, whether through a text, starting a conversation, or a simple gesture like offering us a drink. As recipients, we have two choices: turning away or turning towards.
Turn Away Examples
Not providing feedback with any encouraging or acknowledging expressions, such as "uh-huh" or "oh."
Not inviting the partner to share more, for example, with phrases like "tell me more" or "I didn't know that."
Lack of engagement in eye contact or turning your body and attention away.
Comments like, "Yeah, I'm not interested in that" or "Can we talk about something else?"
In the above examples, a partner tried to start a conversation or an interaction, and they were shut down by the other. This was an opportunity to connect, to be with each other, and to create a memory. However, by not reciprocating their bid for attention, we have turned away. This can hurt our partner's feelings and drain our relationship's emotional cup.
Sometimes, partners can be really mean, a behavior termed as "turning against," where a partner's reactions punish the one initiating the interaction. Here are some examples:
Walking away from a conversation or purposefully interrupting it.
"Why would you tell me about that article? It's boring to me."
"Shut up, you talk too much."
"You don't have to repeat yourself; we already discussed that."
This behavior can exacerbate relationship issues, especially when the partner who has exhibited "turning against" behavior attempts to share a topic of interest in the future and is met with dismissal.
Turn Towards
This means paying attention to the conversation or reciprocating a positive interaction. This is done out of respect, love, or kindness. You're not compromising on your morals or your values but you are caring for your partner and your connection by being attentive to them.
This caring approach helps partners feel seen, heard, and valued, filling up the emotional cup of the relationship, influencing how future conflicts are navigated. A full emotional cup enables better decision-making and prevents negative energy from leading to destructive behaviors since we have enough positive energy to continue being a good team.
When conflict and stressors drain our relationship's emotional cup, we can fill it up with other positive interactions and activities such as:
Dance, cuddle, hold hands, or hug
Cook, go grocery shopping, or read together
Write a letter to each other or meditate together
Have a calm conversation, accept responsibility, and offer an apology
Work towards a common goal or a short-term agreement
TIP: Learn more about the role of care and closeness in relationships here.
“Taking advantage of every day moments.”
Image by Solie Jordan
Positive Perspective
Next, we explore the "Positive Perspective" which summarizes the bottom three levels. According to Gottman's research, when our relationship is doing well in the bottom three levels (Build Love Maps, Share Fondness and Admiration, Turning Towards), we take neutral comments and give our partner the benefit of the doubt.
Positive Sentiment Override
For example, if your partner asks, "Have you taken out the trash?" in a healthy relationship, you might think:
"Maybe they're asking because they lost a piece of jewelry and are trying to find it."
"They could be asking because they want to do it on their way out."
"Perhaps it's a gentle reminder for me to take out the trash."
"Maybe something smells bad, and someone needs to take care of it."
This mindset is beneficial as it allows us to create more space in the relationship to influence and support each other, fostering tolerance, patience, and kindness.
Negative Sentiment Override
When we're not doing well due to struggling in one of the bottom three levels, we tend to interpret a neutral comment in the worst possible light. We think they're after us, scolding us, taking a parental role, or not giving us our space. Here's what might cross our minds:
"What on earth do they mean? They're always naggy and picky."
"There they go again telling me what to do and not giving me the space I need."
"Why don't they go do the laundry and leave me alone? I'll get to it at some point."
"I never do anything right for them. They're always perfect and I'm not."
According to the Gottman research, cultivating a Positive Perspective takes time and it's only possible as we Build Love Maps, Share Fondness and Admiration, and Turn Towards Instead of Away.
TIP: Dive deeper into the Positive Perspective here.
Image by Peggy
Final Words
We have discussed the significance of "Building Love Maps" by understanding each other's inner worlds and preferences, "Sharing Fondness and Admiration" through compliments and showing respect, and "Turning Towards Instead of Away" by reciprocating daily quality interactions.
We highlighted the impact of "Positive Perspective" and how it is affected by the previous three levels discussed. "Positive Sentiment Override" allows partners to give the benefit of the doubt in healthy relationships, in contrast to "Negative Sentiment Override" during relationship struggles.
In the second part of this two-part blog series, we will discuss the next five levels of "The Sound Relationship House Theory." I invite you to start applying your main takeaways from this first blog. Take the intentional steps towards building a stronger foundation with your partner. Your journey to a more fulfilling relationship begins with the actions you take today!
