How to Measure Your Relationship Health: Part 2
The Working Levels
In the first blog of this series, I focused on the Friendship Levels from The Sound Relationship House. I emphasized the importance of "Building Love Maps" by understanding your partner deeply through thoughtful questions, followed by "Sharing Fondness and Admiration" to create mutual respect and positive affirmations. I also introduced the concept of "Turning Towards Instead of Away," encouraging partners to respond positively to each other's bids for attention. Finally, I discussed the "Positive Perspective," where a healthy relationship involves interpreting neutral comments positively.
Here, I will address the Working Levels, which I've nicknamed this way because they involve using the resources from the relationship emotional cup (positive emotional connection) gained through the Friendship Levels to create a clear path for the relationship. Anything we create that's worth fighting for (Managing Conflict), requires intentionality (Make Life Dreams Come True), attention to detail (Create Shared Meaning), and effort (Trust and Commitment) on our parts. Let's get to it!
Managing Conflict
I’ll begin by highlighting that conflict in relationships is normal. Really! Conflict allows us to tune into how our partner wants to be loved. We tend to default to loving others as we want to be loved, and that's great! That's the basic level: providing respect, honoring others, allowing people the opportunity to speak, giving the benefit of the doubt, and affording people the space to figure things out on their own are essential aspects of this foundational love.
How to love
But when our partner says they don't like it when we're late or don't appreciate us just "rubbing up on them" without consent, they're making great points. Their feedback may tell us to ease into them with a nice kiss or asking, "hey, how was your day?" We need to hear them out to tailor our approach and know how to treat them. Conflict allows us to update how our partner wants to be loved.
Deepen conversations
Conflict also allows us to begin previously unspoken conversations such as:
Should we get married? Have children? Have a pet?
Do we allow a family member to move in? Do we care for an aging parent?
Should we move to another state?
What's the income we need to make our great plans work?
It also allows us to talk about things that aren't always obvious, restructure a plan, or address potential relationship pitfalls like injustice, neglect, and selfish behavior.
Take a stand
In this world, we're always going to have differences of opinions with people. People are going to stand for different things like faith, political views, a lifestyle, or their sexuality in ways that differ from ours. This diversity is great and a part of everybody's right to make decisions and be their own person.
There are times when conflict helps us remember who we are and what we stand for even in romantic relationships. You might believe in the importance of helping others (a value) while your partner questions why you're so "nice" to everyone (a fear). In these moments, we need to be present with our values and not act on our partner's fears. Instead, we can use the opportunity to show care for them (a value), continue helping others with healthy boundaries, and allow our partner the space to work through their fear (another value).
TIP: During conflict, we have opportunities to practice tolerance, patience, commitment, and other virtues that may not always manifest when we're in a super happy state.
TIP: During conflict, we have opportunities to practice tolerance, patience, commitment, and other virtues that don't always show up when we're in a happy state.
Research
It's important to note that John Gottman and his researchers found that 69% of relationship conflicts are not going to be resolved; they can only be managed. This means that we're often fighting over preferences and we need to figure out a way to make it work in each instance or, at the very least, have a game plan that allows both perspectives to be shared and worked through. Learn more here!
As we navigate conflicts that don't have easy solutions—such as decisions about having kids, practicing religion, downsizing, or adopting a minimalist lifestyle—we must acknowledge that there will be issues that won't be resolved outright. It's crucial to have conversations about these topics, to learn how to disagree constructively, and to know when to give space for each partner to pursue their own course.
Image by Sam McNamara
Make Life Dreams Come True
Moving on to the next level, let's discuss making life dreams come true. We need to create a space where partners can express how they envision their lives—whether they want to retire in a southern state, live on a Caribbean island, or pursue entrepreneurial endeavors. The goal is not to fix each other's lives but to work together, leveraging differences to achieve even bigger dreams efficiently and sustainably.
It's crucial to regularly ask each other about future plans, career aspirations, and any adjustments needed in your partnership. This open communication fosters a space where all parties can dream individually while contributing to a shared vision of the relationship. We want to follow this up with practical ways of supporting each other's life goals and dreams.
Here are some examples of topics to be discussed:
What type of parent do you want to be?
Where would you like to be at the end of your career?
How would you like to be known?
What makes a relationship worth fighting for?
Which roles would you like to keep? Switch up?
Create Shared Meaning
Closely related to making life dreams come true is the importance of creating shared meaning. This involves establishing rituals, habits, and symbols that give our relationship character and depth. It's about understanding the significance of shared experiences, whether related to marriage, family, or personal beliefs.
Couples should actively engage in discussions about roles, responsibilities, financial decisions, and other aspects to ensure alignment and avoid assumptions. Here are a few examples:
What does it mean to be the main financial contributor?
How should we celebrate holidays? Our birthdays?
What does it mean to care for you when you're sick?
Which roles in our relationship need to be redefined?
How do you view yourself as a parent? What is the role of a parent?
Each person will have a different perspective about life roles, ritual of connection (formal and informal), the type of person they want to be, and what their relationship means to them. Creating shared meaning helps us understand how we got together and how we can foster an amazing relationship in the years to come.
Trust & Commitment
Let's look at the last two levels of trust and commitment, which are crucial to our relationship health. Trust involves making decisions that benefit both partners while maintaining openness and vulnerability. Commitment requires recognizing that relationships demand time, energy, and effort, especially during challenging times.
We know that actions such as infidelity, lies, breaking promises, not respecting boundaries, and many others can erode trust in a relationship. Similarly, walking away from every conflict, ghosting or gaslighting your partner, and always keeping them guessing does not show commitment to preserving your relationship.
Trust is rebuilt through consistency in listening to our partner witch compassion, empathizing with them, and getting to know them. While commitment is demonstrated as we consistently celebrate our partner's positive traits and remain faithful through the ups and downs of relationships. It's putting our best foot forward to behave in caring and honest ways towards each other.
“It's hard to beat a person that never gives up.”
Babe Ruth, Major League Baseball Hall of Famer
Final Words
We discussed how “Managing Conflict” allows couples to love each other, deepen their conversations, and take a stand. We learned that supporting each other's vision for life and the relationship is “Making Life's Dreams Come True”. Additionally, we discussed how partners must address roles, responsibilities, financial decisions, and other aspects to avoid assumptions as we “Create Shared Meaning.” Finally, we shared that “Trust” is about knowing your partner is “for you” while “Commitment” is knowing that they will stick around through the thick and thin.
By analyzing your relationship health through the lens of these nine levels of The Sound Relationship House, you can identify your collective strengths and challenges. I encourage you to engage in open dialogues with your partner about each level. Together, identify practical steps that demonstrate your intentions and willingness to build a stronger relationship.
If you find that professional counseling during this process, as many couples do from time to time, reach out to me at Dialogo Therapy, where I specialize in helping couples "connect through better dialogue." You can schedule a free 15 minute virtual meetup to get started. I wish you the best!
